.::fountain of dream::.

I was so sleepy all day today. So I just took it easy.

What I did today.

1. Washing my clothes.
2. Playing the piano.
3. Making a cute card.
4. Experimenting to grow plants – The strong lamp for my plants got broken!
5. Fixing a window – tried to help a spider by letting it outside the window but it died instantly. I guess it was too cold for the spider. (Note to self – Sweden is cold in the winter!)
6. Thinking about psychopathy – I think the most of the elites are psychopaths. They can do anything to get what they want.
7. Watching an old Japanese movie called White morning – too arty.

Good night!

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Of course I like to talk with girls I like, but I feel uncomfortable with too girly things such as girls’ lunch or girls’ night out. I have been thinking why I feel uncomfortable with that. Here is my theory.

Because I don’t like to put a label on people.

I like to be open to everybody. I don’t like to judge people based on gender. So “girls only” is against my ethical values.

This is my story.
When all the girls in my class ignored me in the elementary school, there were only boys in the class who talked to me. But I didn’t feel very lonely. Because I could have fun talking and playing with them. I remember that it was 1991 and the Iraq war was the hottest topic on the morning news shows. The boys started to play a war game and I joined them. We made two teams and played Iraq vs multinational force. After that, we watched a Star Wars movie. There was a student group working for announcing and broadcasting in the school. They played movies during lunch breaks when it was raining.

But suddenly our teacher came and got angry at us when we had fun watching the movie. She screamed hysterically “Why are you watching such a violent movie!?”. We didn’t understand why she got so angry so we just became silent. I was the only girl who was there and she asked me if it was scary. I said that it was scary because she wanted me to say so. Now I think I should have said it wasn’t scary. But that was the only way I could think of to avoid an argument with her at that moment. She got upset that me as a girl watched such a “violent” movie. But I thought it was a sexual discrimination. “As a girl, you have to have a ladylike attitude.” I have heard that phrase many times and I always felt disgusted when people put a label on me. I didn’t want to limit myself. I wanted to be free.

After a while, the girls stopped bullying me. They started to talk to me. The girls were just forced to ignore me. I think the bully leader gave up because it didn’t really work with me.

So I believe that there is always somebody who supports you if you are open and honest to everybody.

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I noticed how negative I was after I met a friend from England who visited Stockholm for a travel. He is an artist and has similar taste in music as me. We talked about music etc, then I noticed my mind of negative thoughts got cleared. Now I feel my confidence is recovered. So I can maybe ignore small human-relation problems. I mean I will maybe think that it’s a waste of my energy to be angry at people. It’s not an important thing any more if you have a few friends who has the same values as you.

I was trying to become accepted by people. I was forgetting what I used to love little by little and started to focus on something else to find something in common with people… to fit in the society. I was jealous at people who can enjoy listening to pop music, people who are political activists, environmental activists, vegans, exercisers etc. Because there are tons of communities for those people and you can find people with similar values easily. Sometimes I wish I could enjoy listening to pop music, enjoy being an environmental activist or an exerciser. But unfortunately I’m not into such things. I care about environment and my health of course but it’s not my favorite things to do. I only care about environment and my health to continue my life. And my life is music.

I had been suffering from depression for four years. But how easy it was to feel good! I just needed a few hours of conversation about music with a person with similar values. I needed to feel connected with people. I hope I can make more friends who like what I like. So I can keep being happy.

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I finished Swedish as a second language 2 course a few days ago.
On the last day of the course, the teacher talked with all the students about their grades. She told me what I can and what I need to work on more. I thought it was a helpful advice even though I knew myself what is the weak point of my Swedish language skill.

But it seemed like the most of the students cared about which grade they and their friends got more than the advice from the teacher. They asked each other which grade they got… Why do they care about other people’s grade? Did they want to know if they were “better” than the other students? And they would try to find excuses if their grades were worse than the others. No matter what grade they get, they interpret it as they want. So what’s the point of comparing with other people? Is it so important to become the best student in the small class? If you really want to compare, compare you and your past instead!

Damn, I hate competition! I hate being judged! I don’t care which “alphabet” I got because the important thing for me is that simply I get satisfied with my knowledge and skill.

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Today I drove to Värmdö for the first time. It was easy to drive there except for the highest bridge. I got a bit scared of the height of the bridge! But the bridge was crossed over the sea and the scenery from the bridge was so beautiful!! I wanted to look at the beautiful scenery more but I couldn’t because I had to focus on driving the car of course. Sometimes it’s too dangerous to drive a car in such a beautiful place. Next time I will drive to the sea and have a picnic on the beach and enjoy the sun!

It felt like summer today!

But where is Värmdö? Here it is!

Visa större karta

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